it's funny, i've noticed a strong correlation between my creativity levels and my stress levels. as soon as i start stressing out about something (ahem, school) i start thinking genius thoughts and creating so much Art (in the most untraditional sense). i'm not 
really looking forward to school, despite Loving school a lot. i'm just really nervous to start again. so for the past few days i've been thinking a lot about how the trans experience is represented in movies and tv shows.
i made my first ever zine (on canva... i didn't have the materials i wanted to make it by hand which was what i had originally wanted to do)! it's basically a character study on wolfwood and i used him to think about the connection between the body horror genre and transness. you can read it here, but i think i want to find a home for it on my website too. later. the page i'm most proud of is the one on injuries. i feel like i articulated those thoughts the best. you can click on that image to view in full quality.
since then i've been on a roll of consuming media with very similar themes. i watched The Fly (1986) which was a very fun way of exploring gender through body horror. and now i'm re-watching BNA with my friend lola. i had first watched this anime in 2020, so i remember literally nothing. it's perfect because it feels like i'm watching it for the first time all over again. during this watch i was really struck by the transgender themes, especially in episode 4 that centers nina and our main girl michiru. the entire episode basically tells the story of two closeted trans kids sneaking out to a party where they seek acceptance, get to explore their gender the way they want to for the first time, are met with hostility, and come back home with no regrets.
nina is introduced as this dolphin girl who's totally obsessed with being a human and "passing" as one. she's an internet celebrity and tells everyone online that she's a human. online, she can actually control the way people perceive her and gets to exist in the identity she chooses! the one she feels she belongs to! michiru also has a lot of Body Struggles existing as a beastman when all she wants is to go back to being a human too. she's unhappy with her body and doesn't feel like it belongs to her. so once she realizes she can look human again on command, she and nina sneak out (without permission) to go to a party where nina is told she will be accepted. there, nina fully embraces what it's like to exist as a human. even tho michiru is still so hesitant and terrified and anxious and not ready to Come Out. and this party is so fascinating because everyone there puts up 
this facade of #allyship and nina gets so caught up in the excitement she accidentally turns back into a dolphin in front of everyone. the partygoers then start to parade her around like she's a shiny new toy creature and from that point onwards they only see her as a dolphin. it's like even when cis people get your pronouns and name right, you can tell when they don't really see you as your true identity. they still subscribe to the gender structures you're trying so hard to break out of. the partygoers just put nina back in this box (fish tank) she never wanted to be in, and it really sucks. nina gets hurt, michiru takes her home, and talks about regretting going to the party. to this, nina melts my heart and tells her that even though their night out didn't go as planned, and even though she was hurt and it was hard, she still loved her time there. she still loved being a human because that's who she really is! it was such a beautiful moment and so explicitly queer.
do you see how all of these thoughts come to me at 4 in the morning when i'm supposed to be sleeping, fixing my sleep schedule, and preparing for classes. do you see how these thoughts plague my mind during the most inconvenient of times. do you see how i struggle with these huge massive juicy brilliant brain babies that come to me during the wee hours of the night when i have other babies to tend to.
we spent two days there and it was by far the highlight of my summer. we arrived at around 9am and had breakfast, and i met a lot of my mom's cousins and their kids and they are all such wonderful people. they were really surprised i could speak arabic and that i was so happy to be there. i just love the countryside. it's rare i get to experience it. after breakfast we all went out and explored their land to see what they grew over there. most of it was olive trees but i was nibbling from all of the fruit trees i could reach. they had carob trees, i ate figs, blackberries, pomegranites, oranges, lemons, watermelons, squash, and others i am probably forgetting. after that we went back home and had lunch 
and one of my cousins found some bunnies and showed them to us! they were so cute. i loved hearing about all the plants they grow there and the animals they take care of. i wish i had that kind of knowledge on the life that surrounds us. i'm tired of being a city slicker. we spent the night hanging out with my mom's family and talking to them about all sorts of things. i got a huge ego boost because of how impressed they were of me, which is pretty funny.
the bar is so low when it comes to moroccans who grew up outside of morocco that they were really surprised that i was actually able to hold a conversation! the next day i woke up at 5am (the roosters and dogs barking were really loud, but it didn't really bother me much. it was like a Natural Alarm Clock) and we all went on a long hike all the way to the top of the mountain they live on. i had so much fun i've never been happier. we ate all sorts of berries on the way (mostly blackberries which i don't even like much, but they were so yummy!). i came across this skull. i forget what creature left it here. most likely either a horse or a cow, i remember asking but i forgot the answer. it shall remain a mystery. i think the hike took a total of 2 hours up and down. it was wonderful. my mom's aunt gave me a headscarf and a 'mendil' so i looked very rural. after the hike we finally had breakfast at around 11am i think. and i took a fat nap. i woke up just in time for lunch and we had cous-cous!
which also makes me really sleepy so i took another short nap. after that i went down to the well and filled up jugs of water for the family, and the water was so delicious. if you think water can't be yummy you're wrong. after that we had dinner and spent the rest of the night telling each other riddles (which i could not figure out for the life of me...) and chatting. it was really nice and i loved the time i spent there. i plan on visiting the mountains every time i come to morocco from now on. i love it so much! that's all for my summer updates... 
figured i'd blog a little bit about morocco while i finally have some downtime. i've been so busy the past week it's been hard to find some time to recharge... after celebrating eid with my family (which was lots of fun) my cousins and i went to tangier for the weekend! we first went to this beautiful place (i don't remember what it's called.. and i forgot to ask) but the views were incredible. we then took a short walk up the Rmilat, where my cousins spotted some famous Instagram vlogger. it makes sense, it's such a nice spot. i've been to the Rmilat once before on our last trip for my sister's birthday. later that night we went to this Club (except it wasn't a club in the traditional sense of the word...)
i thought it would be a Club Club, but it was actually just a nice sit-down restaurant. with some dancing towards the end. I was way too shy to dance (felt very out of my element) but it was so much fun! the food was delicious I had 4 of those mini quesadillas and a virgin mojito. mojitos seem to be all the rage this summer in Morocco (they even have them in McDonalds?) they're not even that good...
after the tangier trip we stopped by Asilah on the way back home to my grandmother's house. oh to live in one of those gorgeous neighborhoods. walking down the streets of Asilah will never get old, it's so beautiful. there's so much art around and i wanted to buy All Of It So Bad...... but I did not have any money... so sad. I'm grateful I got to enjoy it all in the first place. except, at this point in the trip i was so exhausted i could barely stand on my two feet anymore... I hope to visit again soon when I'm not so tired and achey, since it's not too far from where I'm staying.
cost a bajillion dollars to get to. moroccan beaches are superior anyways. i went to kahf lhmam two days in a row and it was great. i got a little burnt for the first time! it doesn't hurt but i'm red all over. i guess they weren't kidding when they said the UV would be at 11 those days... it was intense! i loved swimming at the beach i'm itching to go again. there's nothing better than that special kind of Beach Hunger and the Post-Beach Sleep..... after day 1 of Beach i slept for 13 hours... i was so tired. on day 2 i went into the mountains on that beach and scooped up some algae clay and put it all over my face and chest and arms as a clay mask. it made my skin so soft.. hope you enjoyed reading my Highlights i hope they were coherent. i'm rewatching trigun stampede as i write this so.. hehe
i am currently on vacation seeing my family in morocco so i'll keep this short, but i couldn't go the whole day without making a special birthday blog post for my favorite dog in the whole wide world... remus! she's such a precious gal. i hope she enjoys her day 2 the fullest and gets a bunch of dog treats and stuff... whatever pups usually enjoy.
my beloved friend 
i got a retromania poster, which i hope to go to next year. they have updates on when they host events like these on Instagram which i don't have anymore so.... i rely on my lovely friends to keep me updated on things like these now. i keep thinking everyone else stopped using Instagram when i did, so I'm always surprised when people ask me to follow theirs.... i really do Not want to go back to instagram but i might make a throwaway account just so i can get notifications for local events and stuff? if i don't figure out another way to be In The Know about these things... there has to be other ways... 
was too distracted talking to you that i forget to grab a business card to remember you by...
sleepy anyhow) so i'm just going to do a small birthday celebration with friends after eid ♡ yesterday i got my nails done at the salon because i hadn't been in a while.. i got 
sense at all. this is unfortunate because i have two big assignments due in 2 days which is stressing my out a little bit... computer science is hard. (⇀‸↼‶) so i will spend today doing Absolutely nothing but rot in my bed and tomorrow i'll just have to grind extra hard...
many demons and the will of gods in order to make it in time to see her and i'm so glad i did. i bought her book & audio cd as i was sitting there looking at her and watching her talk. it was surreal. jennette was sooo inspiring to me it was incredible to hear her talk ab her one woman show and her book and also her future plans! she's so funny and also.. maybe a little tooo relatable at times. i can't wait for my book to come to i can read it and maybe blog about it later. just wanted to document this highlight of not only my year, but my LIFE! i'll be thinking about this day forever... and if you're reading this. go buy I'm Glad My Mom Died by jennette mccurdy from your local bookstore i know you have one..
kitty and puss are so much fun. i really enjoyed their dynamics and their adorable ending together. i'm not much of a romantic but who wouldn't awe at "one life spent with you is all that i could wish for" like come on now. (≧◡≦) ♡
disney money. and it would have been so good. but despite all that i'd give this movie a 10/10. the animation was incredible, i love how choppy it looked (choppy isn't the right word, but whatever they did gave it a comic-book esque feel and i really loved it)
wontons (yum), and some tom yum gai soup. every time i try something new here to see what i like. i did not enjoy the soup as much but i think that's just because i don't like water based soup in general. i luv creamy soups. next time i'm in town i think i will try one of their noodle soups. they come in huge bowls, so i will definitely be taking home leftovers. (^人^)
