now what if...
this is mostly centered around the heian era sorcerers of jujutsu kaisen, except they are not sorcerers. i've been spending too much brainpower thinking up all sorts of hilarious situations to put these guys in, which sort of spiraled into a fully fledged mundane alternate universe for them. kenjaku, sukuna, toji, and uraume are drawn by the lovely tojishole on twitter. yuki is drawn by the incredible naihilan_ and yorozu was drawn by the wonderful moddleoddIe on twitter.
links on the birthdays lead to their respective birth charts, because i used to have an astrology phase so i came up with their own mundane canon birthdays that make sense for their personalities. other links lead to art on twitter or songs that correspond with whatever i'm talking about on here.
kenjaku: reproductive biologist focused on fetal development
lead researcher since 2001
date of birth: 06-02-1979 (age 44)
department: biological research
current concern: the strange noises coming from the freezer... thinks it may be haunted.
- compulsive liar. self aware
- walks in like "did you hear those alarms? check out the ovarian cancer sample we worked on, it doesn't look normal" and the intern comes back like “you can't just lie about this it's not even funny!” and he's like “well maybe stop being believing me every time?”
- his lab assistants really dislike him
- was infertile, worked with the team who conducted her surgery to unblock her fallopian tubes (it was a small blockage). no longer infertile! unsure if he wants to have kids, though.
- spends too much time hanging out in the other departments
- what is the bio guy hanging out in the archives for?
- assistants are relieved to work in peace so they don't care enough to ask any questions
- cannot keep a single thought to himself Ever
- it's a miracle she has not been terminated or sent to jail the way he talks about his research on human subjects? (this is because no one can tell if he is joking when she mentions the dead fetus remains in his refrigerator... he has to be joking?)
- made one Former intern cry after calling her “the most brain damaged idiotic vegetable to ever waltz into this lab. you have got the intellectual capacity of a flatworm. seriously, who let you in here.”
- forced to go through mandatory professional development and sensitivity training after this event. kenjaku is now often seen smiling and nodding at her interns and interrupting (at the wrong times) with phrases like “that is the smartest thing anyone has ever said in this lab”
- this is somehow more hurtful...
- also likes to just word vomit all of the details of their current projects and plans to anyone who will sit still long enough to listen. they have so many plans!!! making real moves in the field and noooo one listens...
- a walking fucking lawsuit
- currently working on: leading research on how epigenetics affects developmental abnormalities, preventing those abnormalities,
- sooo unprofessional. too valuable. knows and exploits this.
- ends every argument with: this conversation is leading me to believe you are falling in love with me.
- uraume [walking away]: he is a freak! i can't tell if he genuinely believes this. is he really that self-centered?
- kenjaku: is it really that far-fetched..?
- carries around a small bag of peanuts coated with cyanide in his lab coat pocket for when he wants to hang out at the park... and feed some pigeons...
- very important lore: one day, one pigeon eats a death peanut and survives. kenjaku is utterly amazed. he takes the pigeon home and adopts it as a pet. other experiments may or may not have occured. kenjaku just really wants to know how the hell this pigeon is immune to cyanide
- kenjaku (experiencing a particularly stressful week): im going to rip my brain out of my fucking skull and leave it outside for the birds and other small creatures
- makes up reasons to get their lab assistants out of their sight so uraume can take over (perks of this: good lunch)
- licks the dentist on purpose during visits
- barely uses social media but when they do it's to start shit wtih uraume. only follows uraume and @librarycongress
- treats every interaction with sukuna and toji like it's a mini social experiment
- the first time sukuna and kenjaku ever interacted was when kenjaku lied about the lunch menu. sukuna had already seen today's lunch menu and knew he was lying. since then kenjaku is labeled DIRTY LIAR in his head and he never believes a word he says
- toji's fault in this is that he expects kenjaku to be normal. so when he's complaining to sukuna about this during his lunch he's like “why does he treat me like a lab rat it doesn't even make sense what is he even testing!!” and sukuna is like “i'm not sure why you keep believing him” and toji is going to rip his hair about because that's EXACTLY what kenjaku said and toji is really close to never visiting sukuna at work ever again
- after this conversation toji goes to get water and runs into kenjaku in the halls right outside sukuna's office and it goes like:
- kenjaku: a visitor! how nice! you should check out today's lunch, it's turkey dinner!
- sukuna [muffled, from behind the door]: it's pizza.
- kenjaku [upset because his experiment was ruined, yelling at the closed door]: i just wanted to SEE!
- toji, finally: see what! i am not a lab rat! you are so weird!
- kenjaku and sukuna (still behind the door) in unison: well then stop believing me/him!
- and then toji leaves to get the water and he comes back and sukuna just starts laughing and toji threatens to never visit again but they both know this isn't true. maybe after this toji learns his lesson and stops believing a word kenjaku says... a satisfying resolution to this arc
- kenjaku keeps a journal with notes in his non-work related experiments
- entry #0942: sukuna husband results: a bit slow on the uptake. took him three months to develop a mind of his own. now displays appropriate behavior for a man with a regulated frontal lobe.
- entries #0063 - #0192: went to the park again. no survivors.
- entry #0193: the first pigeon has survived the cyanide-coated peanuts. i took him home.
- hates gojo so much for reasons that are hard to explain. you ever see someone and are overwhelmed with the urge to throw a chair at them and run away? that's how kenjaku feels about gojo
- list of reasons why gojo stresses him out:
- gojo went through his work files and made comments on his old papers. the worst part is that the comments he made are actually helpful and might actually be useful for his current projects... how does he know...
- gojo is not scared of him
- he can't decipher what goes on behind those freaky deeky eyes of his. and he also doesn't respond to his social experiment bait so he is very unprepared for every interaction they have. this is very unsettling as you can imagine.
- gojo working under him for those four days was the most miserable kenjaku has ever been at work. a fun little shake-up, if you will
sukuna: archivist primarily focused on heian era literature
head archivist since 1997
date of birth: 01-01-1977 (age 46)
current concern: who left the stove on yesterday.
- often caught mumbling things like “who the hell wrote this garbage that is NOT how it happened” while making passive aggressive footnotes for his next publication
- lied about his birthday on his job application
- good eye for catching the counter-narratives of important historical events (mostly heian era centric)
- i'm being intentionally vague about how much of canon jjk lore lives on in this au. it's funny that he says things like this as if he lived in that era but did he? no.
- works with museums if he gets his hands on something particularly interesting. likes talking about his work but also hates being asked stupid questions about his work
- will ask for speaker opportunities that are more exclusive because he is a bitch
- declines any and all collaborative projects with other scholars. he is not built for that
- lesson learned after his workplace tried to hire a junior archivist and sukuna would not stop Loudly talking shit about them with uraume while they were in the room.. he felt so shitty he quit without giving a two weeks notice
- while a lot of the work he does can be considered cultural preservation, his work is (hush hush) used by militaries to develop war strategies or something
- (if anyone cares, this is a long ass paragraph describing their Place of Work) basically kenjaku sukuna yorozu all work at the same Place. they are a kinda sorta weird organization that branches out into different sectors: biology, medicine, history, etc. they are a private organization BUT they also are buddy-buddy with the government so they will share resources sometimes. most of the workers don't know what they're up to. i like the air of mystery. the organization is OLD old... Latest known records are from 1543 but it's possible they've been established before. kenjaku COULD know what they're up to but cares more about his work so he doesn't bother since it's not relevant to him. sukuna also cares too much about his work and doesn't bother. so like. Yes it is an academic job and 90% of his work is cultural preservation and historical analysis which is cool. but he is personally interested in heian era military strategies that he uses for cool boxing strategies cause he's a nerd. it just so happens that the documents he analyzes are ALSO wanted by the government and military for strategic purposes as well. so when sukuna comes across something they'd want he sends it over and gets a decent sum of cash as a Thanks. morally i do not support the military, but mundane!au sukuna is a little evil so...
- current project of interest: he is looking at heian era court records about martial arts training that was most common in the higher ranks of that social hierarchy. analyzes lots of the literature from that era with major themes of wars, military, warrior culture
- tries to take inspiration from what he gatherers from these texts and applies them to his boxing sessions. flexing those creative muscles. it's kind of working? he kicks toji's ass....
- i like the idea of him having poor eyesight and wearing glasses (insert four-eyes joke here)
- resident history buff
- is a member of his neighborhood boxing gym
- loves to spar, the guys there are kind, none match up to his skill level though
- toji is his favorite sparring partner (toji is shameless and this amuses him)
- go on runs together when the weather gets nice… among other summertime activities. they go on a mountain hike at one point.
- they have a cute moment on their hike where it's early morning in their tent (shared tent...) and sukuna wakes up before him. he doesn't move because he realized he likes watching toji sleep
- religiously attends the gym every weekend, boxing is the perfect outlet to release his energy. also (surprisingly) really helps with his back pain.
- is always the one to beg the lady who owns the gym to open later so he and toji can fight some more... she will not listen to toji because she hates him.
- imagine both of them half-arguing with each other while trying to convince her
- toji: please can you give us fifteen more minutes this asshole has to be cheating.
- sukuna: please give me fifteen more minutes to show our princess what actual boxing looks like. (and she accepts)
- early riser
- has a hard time falling asleep in unfamiliar places. if he is not sleeping in his own bed he sleeps very lightly and will wake up at the slightest sounds
- the sun makes the scars on his face feel sensitive so if the sun is shining on his face in the morning it will wake him up
- before tojikuna gets married, he picked these rings out a few months after meeting toji and becoming... Friends or whatever you want to call it. the original reason was because yorozu just started working there and is so terribly irksome with her constant love letters and advances. not even uraume scares her off, which is impressive on its own
- really, he only needed one ring for the “i'm married” excuse, so why was he looking at sets? and why was he thinking of toji's ring-shaped tan line as he was shopping?
- the mark on toji's ring finger is what makes sukuna hesitate on making a move... he normally is bold when it comes to things like this....
- he tries to imagine what that ring must have looked like... who wore the other ring... what she meant to him.....
- now that tjkn are married sukuna wears his ring all the time. except when he's boxing of course.
- goes through a fisherman phase!
- kenjaku: sonia, can you bring in sukuna's new intern? i want to talk to her about something
- kenjaku: yorozu! let's chat!
- yorozu: is this about another meeting with HR? i wish they'd stop calling me down there. it's so far our of the way and i don't understand their vague threats.
- kenjaku: so i heard your love letters weren't doing the trick :( don't lose hope! (seriously imagine this as two girlies sitting at a mall food court table and kenjaku is leaned in chin rested on shoulder pouting as she tries to Girl Talk Friendship her way into making sukuna's life more unbearable) trust me i've known sukuna for ages and i can tell when he's playing hard to get. i'll let you in on a little secret... sukuna loves gifts. he will surely reciprocate your feelings if you get him the right treasures.
- yorozu, at T.J. Maxx: what do men even like to do? [sees fishing mug] sukuna loves coffee. sukuna loves men. this is perfect. (she has no idea sukuna likes to fish. she doesn't know anything about sukuna's personality. i love this brand of obsession)
- (sukuna finds this mug on his desk and really loves it. doesn't even care that it's from that intern. drinks out of it every. single. day. at home. not at work. duh)
- toji and yuki bet on how long this fisherman phase will last. toji bets 3 months. yuki bet 1 year. yuki won. dedicated fisherman sukuna is real.
- thinking about sukuna and uraume having a very weird and codependent friendship is pretty hilarious actually...
- uraume needs to be by his side at all times or else they will start to break out into hives (an exaggeration) and if sukuna spends an entire day without uraume he feels so disoriented like he would be unable to function normally.. sukuna doesn't even know how the coffee machine in his office works. it's uraume's coffee machine. they always use it to make his coffee. because. it's uraume. duh. stop entertaining the idea of no uraume being around they'll always be around (heart rate increases slightly)
- it's even funnier that toji doesn't mind this. to him, uraume is such a little alien freak that it seems normal for them to have this weird thing going on with sukuna. he feels soooo “whatever” about them. like what is he gonna do? nothing.
- when tjkn got married and moved in together, sukuna wanted so badly to ask if uraume could move in with them but was concerned it might be too weird of an ask. toji eventually caught onto this which is why he invited uraume to move in with them without bothering to ask sukuna about it beforehand because he knew he'd say Yes
- has a twin sister he does not speak to. her name is kagura.
- his cellphone is a jitterbug smart 2 and his wallpaper is a photo he took of toji eating those meat skewers (I don't know what they're called in English) and smiling awkwardly. sukuna doesn't usually take photos but he wanted to preserve the moment..
- outdoorsy man, in case i haven't made that point clear enough already
- his favorite date activity is camping and hiking in the Wilderness
- likes to recreate his first ever real date with toji where they go on a hike and sukuna shares all his knowledge on the local fauna the whole time. toji likes to tease him while he does this and also eat things he's not supposed to. like tree bark. just to see if sukuna will find it funny.
- "what's this tree?" "oak" "can i eat the leaves" "i wouldn't" [toji eats a leaf] "is it supposed to be spicy?" and then uraume from the back goes, "i hope you're allergic!"
- all the while uraume is trailing behind both foraging the edible things to cook dinner with, while at the same time praying to the gods that toji falls in the river and never returns (evil thoughts evil thoughts)
- spends about twenty minutes every morning after he wakes up sitting outside on his porch in the sun to photosynthesize like a plant sim
long term visitor since 2005
date of birth: [redacted] (age 38)
current concern: the cafeteria kitchen downstairs ran out of soy...
- i wouldn't want to put anyone through the horrors of working with uraume ever
- i wouldn't want to put uraume through the horrors of working for anyone ever
- often spotted hanging out in sukuna's office
- staff is terrified of them. uraume can be quite miserable when they not by sukuna's side
- brings sukuna food and will sometimes help if kenjaku's lab interns are being particularly stupid that day
- friendship with kenjaku blossomed after yorozu got hired (new public enemy # 1)
- uraume: kenjaku is my one and only ally in here (sukuna is working outside the facility today) which is the most pathetic thing i've ever had to say in my life
- crazy internet beef with kenjaku. got suspended once and never made another twitter account
- @kennybeats: y'all's boyfriends are so ugly it genuinely ruins my day
- @7jw3gYYZU8W7: KILL YOURSELF.
- as a housewarming wedding gift, uraume (herbalist) (one of their many skills) (jack of all trades) plants some pretty flowers in their garden
- they live in the city though, so in order to protect the plants from prying hands and unsuspecting dogs, uraume borders their garden with poison ivy and other mildly poisonous plants
- has serious ongoing beef with this one squirrel who keeps eating through their pumpkin patch (this is serious)
- sometimes you hear uraume screaming NO GET OUT NO STOP IT NO at 7am
- uraume barges in and meets a grumpy toji who just woke up from the shouting: where's the cyanide again?
- toji: the what?
- uraume: don't be useless, where is the cyanide kenjaku keeps in the kitchen?
- toji: the what?
- uraume: ugh [searches through all the cabinets until they find it in the back] aah! you won't see this coming you little pumpkin fiending freak..
- hangs out at the tojikuna household so often toji turns their extra sitting room into a bedroom and asks uraume to move in with them..
- i'm obsessed with grumpy men doing kind things in the meanest way possible to seem Nonchalant... like, toji brings in a bed and a dresser into the spare room they originally used as a second sitting room and the next morning he's abruptly woken up by Uraume's yelling and is really mad about it and he's just like: for Fuck's sake. why are you always here? you might as well move in this is ridiculous.
- uraume thinks toji is being sarcastic as usual until they see the new room and they're like: Wahoo! Free rent AND close proximity to Sukuna! I win! and flops on the bed joyously
- they eventually start to warm up to toji when he took PTO one day, got bored, went to sukuna's office to hang out and spent a good forty minutes in the break room shit talking yorozu and kenjaku with them... (tojisukume shit talking sessions get absolutely nasty... no holding back whatsoever they talk shit like its 2009 and it's enough to make me cry)
- has never paid for anything at all in their life (besides the wedding gift plants)
- how Uraume paid for rent and living expenses before moving in with tjkn will remain a mystery...
- uraume toji dynamic is fun. they both think “god, what a freak. i'm glad i'm the normal one here” about each other
- uraume's birthday special episode 2023: it's a thursday so they're at the facility floating back and forth between kenjaku's and sukuna's wing when around noontime yorozu ambushes uraume during their lunch break holding a birthday cake and candles and starts singing “haaappy bir—” before uraume (wide eyed, terrified, confused, shocked, and surprised in the least fun way imaginable) is like STOP! What is wrong with you?! and puts the candles out because open fires are not allowed
- yorozu is really sad about being yelled at all the time so she tears up a little and leaves with her cake
- later in the day (3pm) uraume ambushes yorozu in the hall and is like how the fuck did you know about today (uraume hates the idea of birthdays because they hate baking sweets) (and also uraume doesn't work there so no one should have any of their personal information on any records so literally how did she know)
- yorozu confesses she found out because sukuna had written it down on his personal pocketbook calendar
- uraume nearly blushes at the idea of sukuna writing down their birthday to remember it because that is so sweet also how the fuck did yorozu get her hands on his personal pocketbook calendar he doesn't even keep it at the desk jesus christ
- has yorozu's number blocked but keeps getting texts from Unknown Number. when uraume tries to confront yorozu about harassing them via text she's like “what are you going to do? go to HR? they love me and also YOU DON'T WORK HERE!” gagged them. you can hear quiet murmurs of approval from bystanders.
- uraume's search history is so concerning they can never commit a crime because if they ever search through their internet browser it's over for them.
- how to send someone to a papal cloister against their will
- how to send someone away forever against their will legally
- can cyanide kill squirrels
- cyanide lethal dose
- how to block someone with multiple phone numbers
- tiny kitchen asmr
- how to get someone fired without HR involvement
- legal ways to get rid of someone forever
- quiet cooking videos asmr
toji: emergency dispatcher
phone operator since 2018
date of birth: 12-31-1993 (age 30)
department: Emergency Services
current concern: wants to repair his relationship with the lady who owns the boxing club
- is also a member of the same boxing gym sukuna goes to
- enjoying sparring because it feels productive
- he likes the fact that he feels like he learns new things after every match
- actually wants to get better (sore loser)
- is called Princess frequently (always blocking his face when he fights)
- sukuna is his favorite sparring partner, he likes figuring out how to adapt to his weird fighting style. it's like, ancient.
- one weekend sukuna doesn't come to the gym... (tojikuna interlude begin!)
- toji shows up at sukuna's place of work to get a hold of his number or something, unfortunately the first person he runs into is kenjaku (who is not in his own department... where he is supposed to be)
- once toji asks kenjaku about sukuna he immediately starts spewing lie after lie to send him off on a wild goose chase
- kenjaku has never met this man before. he literally has no reason to do this other than it would be funny
- toji comes back pissed off after the third Chase like “he wasn't there either... why are you fucking with me?” to which kenjaku responds “i don't know why you keep believing me”
- next weekend toji is giving sukuna death glares (sukuna chalks up toji's punches hitting harder than usual to a new workout routine?)
- water bottle sharing indirect kiss yeah yeah
- are often seen tightening each other's handwraps. you might hear them bickering because one keeps asking the other to re-do his hand if it's night tight enough "it's perfectly fine sukuna" met with "no it's not and i'm not going to let you be the cause of a wrist injury. re-do it. i'm not in a rush..."
- refuses to tell sukuna where he got his scar from (wants to keep up the mystery so sukuna stays interested. he likes when he asks him questions about himself...)
- they're so utterly disgusting about this. "where'd you get that scar?" "where'd you get yours" like... they are gross i hate them
- sukuna doesn't take toji seriously at first as a fighter, toji has a really fun time adapting to sukuna's fighting technique. wants to ask him about this later if he will share..
- their relationship development taking place over a series of many boxing sessions, post boxing workout sessions, and the occasional work visit?! where the words “don't hold back on me now” and “i can take it” are constantly thrown around is so Perfect for them here
- am i talking about their boxing relationship or sexual relationship? yeah
- works in the office monday through wednesday and works remotely from home thursday through sunday. he takes most saturdays off. i wish i had this work schedule
- eats while on the phone
- toji: [schlurp, audible swallow] “emergency services how can i—”
- caller: someone is in my house I think I'm getting robbed help my address is [...]
- toji: uh, i've seen those housing prices, miss, no one is robbing you. just turn on the light i bet it's your roommate again [hits end call button on headset]
- more lore on this: this caller ended up being the lady who own the boxing gym he attends. she figured this out which is why i said she hates him earlier
- eventually starts sending sukuna to beg for her to open later because she won't say yes to him if he's there
- snarky and mean to non-emergency callers but not rude enough to get fired over it
- can't cook
- when uraume moves in with tjkn household, they try to teach toji some of the basics
- it's not very successful but toji can now make breakfast for One (egg sandwich) and has sort of bonded with uraume in the process
- still can't cook a meal on his own, though...
- dead wife
- she was the only reason why he stayed in [old town name] because his family hates his guts and treated him terribly. he only stayed there to appease her. it was truly miserable having to look at their ugly mugs every day so he skipped town to just be able to breathe for a moment. her family owns a very popular local chinese restaurant and like the restaurant competition is SERIOUS over there so everybody knows their family and they are popular in their area and whatnot. which means the whole neighborhood secretly hates toji's ass like think suburban gossip cliques yk?
- the boxing gym in his new neighborhood is his haven
- right after mamaguro died he sort of got into street fighting. but not too deep in it. "street fighting" as in bar fights almost every night.. in the street. it just wasn't for him, though. (too far into street fighter toji wouldn't fit the realm of the mundane anymore so...)
- once he moved, he discovered boxing in a more controlled setting is way more fun. more room to breathe. sober enough to think. its a fun mental and physical exercise. still a dirty fighter but is growing out of it
- toji who walked around with a chip on his shoulder, moving through what felt like a haze for months, potentially a year, maybe two (time just continues to move past him but he remains stagnant), finding a place just to relieve stress and then winding up with something much more (god bless yu for this one)
- do you ever think that when toji does start feeling a little spark, a little inkling that there's something there between him and sukuna, he feels - bad? when he and mamaguro got married, they promised for forever, but when her forever was cut short, he was forced to carry the torch for both of them. and he has tirelessly done so since then. by keeping her picture on his nightstand and at the front door, wishing her goodnight, good morning, goodbye and hello. by keeping her ring right next to his on a chain around his neck, right over her heart. he's loved her for years and cannot imagine loving her for far more. and so when something new blooms in his heart, is he scared that he must let go a part of her in order to make space? that it becomes even more dangerous the more times they spend together, the more he feels relaxed, comfortable, and just happy once again? or do you think he'll realize that he was never forced to carry the torch of his and his wife's love but instead bore that burden himself? that once he began to feel like he had to carry on her memory by mourning for the rest of their initially promised forever, suddenly he lost sight of once was and what should've been. that love was meant to be unconditional and that he would continue to love her and the memory of her even if he begins to love another. (oh my god yu back at it again. they are incredible)
- has a small shrine dedicated to his late wife in his house
- a married man (to sukuna...)
- wears his ring on his right hand (as yu says: not overriding the past but still looking forwards the future). when they hold hands the rings clink (thanks mizu)
- mostly wears his ring on a necklace, though
- has their wedding photos pinned up on the walls of his caller cubicle. and one photo of toji winning one round of boxing. his proudest moment.
- has no social media presence at all. no accounts. nonexistent. i envy him.
- goes on vaguely religious rambles when he's drunk. it's a sunday night after he just sparred with sukuna for the first time and he's at a bar with yuki and toji's like “the lord has really blessed him. and i'm not talking about his sneezing, either.” yuki laughs so hard at this she chokes on her drink (when i heard this line i laughed so hard i choked on my drink)
- toji visits sukuna at work on occasion (rare) (when he is really, really bored)
- one time he was feeling particularly silly and dressed up in sukuna's work clothes (which are way too big for him) and his glasses and he pushes his hair back and is like “this is what you look like” and squints and furrows his brows. sukuna is like “i do not look like that”
- his beef with the lady who owns the boxing gym (i've GOT to give her a name already, like damn) is so inconvenient and toji just wants to ask for more time without getting looked at like he killed her dog (he's not that sorry about the 911 incident but like... he's willing to pretend to be at this point)
- was born without his left arm and has had a prosthetic arm for his whole life. when he was younger, mamaguro would tease him by saying his arm was eaten by a dragon in a different life. or make up other stories like he was a war hero who lost his arm in battle.. or a spy that was captured by the enemy and lost his arm to protect his nation's secrets.. they're all so cheesy but he found them so endearing.
- not into horror movies
- tried to make sukuna lunch once (the fact that uraume let him is not only a miracle but also a big milestone for their friendship) because there is a small part of him that treats everything like a competition so when kenjaku told him that jin writes cute notes for his lunch he realized he can't let them win.
- setting the scene: uraume, toji (visitor), sukuna in the archival wing's lunch room, eating. sukuna is having some chicken alfredo pasta that uraume made for him, uraume is having a coffee, and toji is having a burrito he ordered from down the street. kenjaku walks in.
- toji: you know i always visit during lunch time but i never see you eating. does nobody love you enough to make you food? do you not need food? are you a real human? [mumbles to sukuna] he's definitely an alien or something...
- kenjaku: not sure what led you to believe this. i totally have a very real husband who probably loves me and definitely makes me lunch every day. he even includes super genuine love notes with my lunch sometimes. and technically speaking, the possibility of me being an extraterrestrial has yet to be disproven. anyways, i actually needed the cyanide container you stole, uraume. the haunted fridge is now off limits. bye. [exit]
- toji (overwhelmed with the amount of information he just got from kenjaku): he's lying, right?
- sukuna: nope. very real. the sarcasm was a sad attempt at throwing you off. i guess it worked, though.
- toji: okay, well. i'm going home now. see you later.
- twenty minutes later uraume gets a call from toji demanding they come home immediately. they say no. toji says the squirrels are back (lie). uraume rushes home. they begrudgingly teach toji how to use the air fryer.
yorozu: newly hired intern at the archival wing...
intern since 2023
date of birth: 10-24-1989 (age 34)
current concern: Uraume is a Pest.
- originally applied to intern at the natural sciences division (where kenjaku works) to get her hands on some good entomology research opportunities
- often spends her weekends foraging in different wildlife areas in the city... alone usually
- the spot she was aiming for filled up, so she settled for the next opening they had... with sukuna!
- her main job is to make sukuna miserable
- helps digitize most of the records in their collection
- other job responsibilities include: translating the heian era literature sukuna is in charge of to different languages (although she's actually quite bad at this, sukuna eventually took her off this job), dodge uraume during their surprise visits (their altercations are worse than uraume and kenjaku's), and other side projects
- is personally interested in developing educational materials, but it's not a priority for the department (it's really sad.. they won't let her have anything!)
- thinks the HR department loves her (why else would they call me into the office all the time?) it is unknown how she still has a job here
- uraume: if i have to attend one more sexual harassment training because of her im going to forcibly send her to a papal cloister. i've been researching a few nearby. (uraume doesn't even work there. they don't have to attend the meetings)
- hides love letters in between ancient scrolls that sukuna has to analyze. thinks she's being cute. sukuna doesn't even read them
- i've said this before but she does not know a single thing about who sukuna really is. and she doesn't really care either. she is more obsessed with the obsession itself than she is with Sukuna as a person. which is why this Obsession lasts so long when he gives her literally nothing
- she's so silly
- waits for sukuna to leave his desk to search through his drawers to see if he's actually married or if he's just lying to her to be mysterious and send her secret signs that he's actually in love with her!
- has never come to work in accordance to the dress code in her life
- talking to her about it is like talking to a brick wall she simply cannot hear you. “sorry my tits are in the way, what did you say? i can't hear you”
- listening to her and Uraume argue with each other actually gives me second hand embarrassment. they sound like they are fourteen. uraume sneaks up behind Yorozu as she's trying to sneak come candid photos of sukuna at his desk (freak!) and Uraume tries to grab her phone but they end up pulling back and forth like children. uraume bends her pinkie back as yorozu begs “please don't tell please please please” as uraume gets the phone and deletes the picture. sukuna literally doesn't care.
- makes anyone she sleeps with watch The Fly (1986) and then when the movie ends she asks, “would you still love me if i was a fly” and if they hesitate (because what the fuck does she mean by “still love” her?!) she kicks them out without giving them time to change back into their clothes
- loves The Fly (1986) in ways she cannot articulate. in her mind, she is Ronnie and sukuna is Brundlefly. what an epic love story.
- she would love this movie because she loves bugs but also her biggest critique is the lack of real bug science involved in the movie. but other than that this is her definition of a perfect movie
- mizu field study observation #98035: yorozu recites a poem to sukuna and he's like You cannot call that a poem. and recites an on the spot more romantic poem back to yorozu (to prove his point) and she's like Omg ur so into me
- she barges into the lab where uraume is in the middle of handling living lab-grown creatures to show them the poem so they can writhe and seethe about it
- she thinks she's winning Whatever this is
- yorozu and toji dynamic goes a little like this:
- toji didn't know yorozu existed for two years since she got hired
- yorozu is so deep in her delusions that she believes toji and sukuna are Just friends
- at first, toji hates her and makes a show of being sukuna's husband where he visited sukuna at work 3 times a week for 2 weeks and initiated obnoxious displays of affection.
- yorozu sees this and doesn't care because he's a man and why would sukuna marry a man when obviously he is in love with her. i bet that short guy (her standard in height is just. sukuna. anyone else is Tiny and Short) doesn't write him love letters. i bet he can't even read. (she thinks this as she drafts sukuna another haiku without a seasonal term)
- toji is not the jealous type but yorozu really irks him. however he soon learns he has nothing to worry about because yorozu is just too weird to be a serious threat
- sukuna is just delighted toji is visiting so often
- when toji asks about her later sukuna is like Yeah she's been sending me lots of letters but i don't see them. i read one and it was the worst thing i've ever read. the syntax was elementary at best and there was no seasonal term! it was supposed to be a haiku!
- he seems to be more bothered by the bad writing than he is by receiving the letters in the first place
- this is all the confirmation toji needs that he will Never love her
- sukuna realizing toji was jealous after this arc is over is so funny. he finds it so amusing and adds it to the Embarrassing Stories folder to tell uraume during dinner when they all live together
- she has little photos of cute woodland creatures from pinterest framed and put on her desk because she thinks they are just like her for real
yuki: boxing coach
personal boxing coach since 2008
date of birth: 02-03-1987 (age 36)
works at: Victory Boxing Gym
current concern: am i Gay????
- had been a professional boxer for most of her life. retired sixteen years ago.
- yuki did not handle retirement in the most... graceful way
- got this job by entering a lesbian Situationship with the lady who runs their boxing gym
- has complicated feelings about sex and sexuality. in the 'rarely wakes up in her own bed' kind of way....
- kicks toji's ass at the gym when sukuna is not there. she's just really good and toji is really fun to spar with. also she actually likes him. weird right?
- toji yuki friendship!!! toji is very unlikeable and Yuki is very likable so the fact that these two tolerate each other is grounds for a fun little social experiment..
- first meet at the gym but start to see each other more at the drag bar yuki frequents, where she's really close with bartender kiyooo (ijichi)..... toji wouldn't say that bar is his first choice but yuki is very convincing and toji would never turn down free drinks, duh
- yuki is actually toji's first best friend. besides sukuna he doesn't count.
- is really sick of sukuna and toji's antics at the gym
- yuki's car has a SITUATIONSHIP SURVIVOR bumper sticker on it except the back of her car is extremely dented because Someone rear ended her last week.... lol
- loves horror movies
- they haven't met yet but i think she'd get along with yorozu
gojo: has a new job every week..
a menace to society since 1989
date of birth: 12-07-1989 (age 34)
current concern: no one appreciates his cool Vespa... it's red! and shiny!
- is so bored by everything so fast he has three new jobs a month
- his CV is so long that if he pulled it out and unfolded the wad in his pocket, the flaps would unfold and the paper would be so long it Comedically falls to the floor and continue to unravel slowly at his feet.....
- i'm talking barista, trader joe's cashier, host, kitchen staff, customer support, shopping aid, cheese slicer, salon secretary, bus driver, human resources representative, lab assistant, high school security guard, washing cars, uniqlo sales associate, janitor, technical writer, parking attendant, event ticket taker, library assistant, delivery driver, mailman, mail sorter, data entry clerk, real estate agent
- barista: 3 weeks. learned to make penis latte art.
- trader joe's cashier: 3 weeks. in it for discounted groceries.
- host: 1 month. lots of tips. really liked charming customers.
- kitchen staff: 2 weeks. coworkers babied him and he loved it. too much heavy lifting.
- customer support: 1 week. too many angry customers.
- shopping aid: 4 days. enjoyed the elderly man he worked with. didn't enjoy running into ex-coworkers at trader joe's.
- cheese slicer: 2 days. thought it would be more interesting than it seemed. he was proven wrong.
- salon secretary: 2 weeks. got a free haircut. had beef with one of the hairdressers. fuck you, paul...
- bus driver: 2 days. got lost and ended up driving passengers through the forest.
- human resources representative: 1 week. thought office drama would be juicier. it's mostly just labor law violations.
- lab assistant: 4 days. was told he's the longest an intern has ever lasted. can see why. the lead scientist gives him goosebumps and makes him feel eerie for reasons he can't explain (hint: it's kenjaku). never going back.
- he was the most excited for this job because it seemed really stimulating. biology is a science he hasn't gotten into as much so he was looking forward to learning something new. these feelings of hope and wonder are crushed the moment kenjaku enters the lab and gojo feels a shiver run down his spine... the worst vibes imaginable
- he briefly meets uraume as they walk past him in the halls. uraume literally gets jumpscared when they first see gojo (much to gojo's amusement). uraume yelps and goes “ah! who the fuck are you” but they keep walking without waiting for his response
- kenjaku is so deeply disturbed by gojo and his Appearance. one of the first things he said to him when onboarding was "please wear brown eye contacts" to which gojo said "no thank you!"
- gojo also overhears kenjaku loudly whispering to uraume "freaky deeky eyes has been here for so long... am i doing something wrong? am i not as intimidating as i used to be?"" before finally quitting
- gojo enjoyed knowing that his presence made his weird boss kenjaku miserable
- high school security guard: 1 week. felt like prison. never again.
- car washer: 6 days. thought it would be sexy like in the movies. instead left with sore arms.
- uniqlo sales associate: 1 day. started on a tuesday. hated the slow hours.
- janitor: 3 weeks. loved overhearing nurses talk shit. now he knows where not to go for medical help.
- technical writer: 3 weeks. the work was boring but he was too good at it. made him consider teaching..
- parking attendant: 2 days. just wanted to see what people were driving around these days.
- event ticket taker: 4 days. thought he would get discounted tickets. boss said no.
- library assistant: 1 week. only stayed that long because he got along really well with the librarian.
- delivery driver: less than 1 day. ran a red light he didn't see on his way to deliver an order
- mailman: 1 week. good for learning the neighborhood
- mail sorter: 5 days. just. really boring. he just couldn't find any other jobs in the span of those five days..
- data entry clerk: 2 weeks. enjoyed feeling Trusted with Private Information. once the specialness wore off it stopped being fun
- real estate agent: 4 weeks. closed on 3 homes. not passionate about selling houses
- gas station clerk: 3 days. worked the night shift so he could play his music at full volume. quit because his calf cramped up in his sleep from standing for too long at work
- junior electrician: 3 weeks. made his hair spikey. secretly enjoyed getting zapped every now and then
- under kashimo, was a full time position but that didn't stop gojo from applying with the intention of working there for six days (he got a little distracted along the way…)
- lives like this for a couple years until he settles into a long term teaching job (9th grade honors physics) at 36 (his present day age is 27)
- actually comes from a very wealthy old money family but he decides to do all this for the shits and giggles. however he is extremely committed to the bit. also he takes his family's money and gives it away to various orgs and also people on the street #wealthredistribution
- drives a Vespa (poorly)
- does not have a driver's license because he is legally blind (achromasia aka albinism) and can't see very well especially during snowy winters (winters are especially difficult for him)
- i forget what it's called but especially when he reads his eyes move back and forth really fast
- does not wear glasses because he knows he looks like a freak and enjoys making people feel uncomfortable when he looks at them with those huge orbs of his
- loves going to the beach but is always comically decked out in sun protective gear (it's to keep his skin youthful and radiant! he said…) (really it's because of his sensitive skin)
ino: pizza delivery guy
delivering pizza since 2021
date of birth: idk yet (age 21)
works at: pizza hut
current concern: hasn't started thinking about his senior thesis...
- he would totally deliver pizza
- lives with his uncle nanami kento who does not exist yet...
- in college part time. studying psychology to become a counselor
- only in a fraternity to know where all the parties are at, he is not a frat guy. please.
- delivers to the boxing gym on occasion
- thoughts on sukuna: cool.
- thoughts on toji: alley cat. stay away.
- thoughts on yuki: scary. but cool.
- had a magician phase when he was a kid
kashimo: senior electrician
zapping things since 2016
date of birth: idk yet (age 36)
works at: Sparky, Inc. (ceo)
current concern: the new hire is not as good as gojo... and never will be.
- he'd look good in those carhartt coveralls
- coffee addict. head always hurts.
- has a crush on gojo. is very tortured by this fact.
- knows gojo from when he worked part-time as an electrician for exactly three weeks
- makes gojo go through all the training shifts even though he already knows all the basics as an excuse to spend more time with him and bully him as a means of getting a reaction out of him. kashimo doesn't really believe gojo is real yet. he's so odd.
- gojo does that Thing where he randomly goes up to talk to kashimo and says, "haha you're so short" and kashimo is like Oh my god he really is into me.
- kashimo will never be over gojo. his 2 week notice was the worst thing to ever happen to him (gojo has never given a two week's notice before in his life which is about the closest he'll ever get to showing any mutual feeling in this relationship)
- kashimo hires a new junior electrician and hates him because he is not gojo (he misses his crazy eyes)
- kashimo thought bubble that goes: You will never be him. [background of the bubble is gojo's big ass freaky deeky eyes staring at nothing in particular at 50% opacity]
- one time occurance: drank a bottle of bourbon at 8 o'clock in the morning and drunk dialed gojo who's first words on the phone were “who is this?” and kashimo almost hangs up right then and there. this phone call eventually leads to them getting shitty convenience store coffee later that day
- gojo: so... drunk dialing an ex at 8:06 AM? that's certainly unheard of.
- kashimo: oh, don't be cute.
- gojo: you think i'm cute... 😸
- he has a cane because he may or may not have been electrocuted one too many times which resulted in lower back/hip problems
- is way too calm and nonchalant about his work accidents. doesn't even get worker's comp. as a choice.
- thinks of his injuries as battle scars. i survived which means i Won. is almost excited about it..?
- his apprentices are like You need to relax before you die, grandpa
- kashimo: we are electricians for fuck's sake, learn to take a little zap or two
- apprentice guy: you are literally disabled because you keep getting electrocuted! i am not trusting you on this one.
- kashimo: you're not going to trust.. the senior electrician... on matters of electricity... okay, yeah. sure. smart move. idiot.
- loves going to the aquarium. he has a membership pass
- acts a lot older than he actually is. maybe it's the cane. maybe it's his complete and utter detachment from mainstream media. maybe is maybelline.
jin: park ranger
nature lover since 2013
date of birth: idk yet (age 40)
works at: Lassen Volcanic National Park
current concern: kenjaku's silly 'prank' of the day
- works at one of sukuna's favorite hiking spots
- sukuna goes hiking while jin is working and sukuna's like: you are aware you don't have to wear that hat, right? (he hikes here so often he knows that only the new hires wear the full uniform.. jin isn't new, though)
- jin: [fiddling with the hat] i know but i like it. anyways, watch out for--
- sukuna: the rattlesnakes, i know. i don't need a tour, i come by often.
- jin: [lightbulb!] alright smartass, did you know about the [...dont feel like writin this part now but he basically takes this opportunity to get to know sukuna by testing his knowledge on the area until he finally tells him something sukuna doens't know. then sukuna starts to respect him a little.]
- sukuna: huh, i didn't actually know that. uraume would like this. [snaps a photo of weird jimson weeds to show them later]
- sukuna: huh, i didn't actually know that. uraume would like this. [snaps a photo of weird jimson weeds to show them later]
- jin: i've always been curious as to what my lovely dearest k--
- sukuna: don't talk to me about work right now.
- makes lunch for his wife kenjaku every day and writes notes of encouragement or fun facts about local fauna and flora
- jin: me and my wife don't argue she bash my head in with a brick and i walk it off like a man
- loves saying "that's my wife!" a lot
- knows of hatsune miku's existence through lady gaga